This morning while I was struggling to put on my socks my two year old blurts out, “Mommy, you can’t even touch your toes”. As if I didn’t know I now had to hold my breath in order to complete the daily task that was once so easy. “Yes Saylor, I know… Here, help mommy put on her socks “I say with a squeamish smile as I hand her my sock. She’s lucky she’s cute because if her father would have muttered the same words my response would have been much more dramatic, and it’s likely something would have been thrown in his direction.
What feels like 20 minutes later both of my socks are on and I hear my cell phone beep. It’s my baby bump application with my weekly update. Big letters flash, “30 WEEKS PREGNANT” across the screen after I click on the widget of the ugly baby face. I almost spoke to my phone the same way I answered my two year old when she stated the obvious… “Yes, I know”. Instead I scrolled to read this week’s symptoms, “fun” facts, and need to have baby items. The update was very similar to last week’s post. I believe this application is supposed to be uplifting, and enjoyable. However I’ve found it is an awful reminder of how invasive and long pregnancy really is. Yes, children are beautiful, but pregnancy is not.
Here are my ten reasons pregnancy is not so beautiful:
1. LACK OF SLEEP- One would think that your body creating another human being is the perfect reason to drift off immediately into dream land. Instead, it’s the exact opposite. During the first trimester I was too busy puking to sleep. During the second trimester I was too busy playing catch-up on all of the household chores I neglected during the first trimester to sleep. I finally had some energy back, and took every opportunity to enjoy Saylor (our two year old) while she was still an only child and before I felt the size of a whale. And now the third trimester… my favorite (feel the deep embedded sarcasm in the word favorite). Now, I AM the size of a whale. My legs tingle every time I lay down, strange dreams creep their way into my head, and my back constantly aches, so it’s obvious sleep is out of the question until this mini human decides to come out… then of course we have a newborn, so scratch the sleep all together. I can sleep when I’m dead.
2. THE WADDLE- waddle, waddle, waddle. The random customer at work comments on it, my mother comments on it, HIS mother comments on it. Everyone finds it necessary to tell me how funny my pregnant walk is. As if I wasn’t aware that I now walk like a constipated penguin.
3. WARDROBE MALFUNCTION- I refuse to spend mega bucks on maternity clothes. In fact, I pride myself on my ability to make cute maternity outfits out of the clothes I already own. My first daughter was born in August, and the summer months made this task easy. Baby number two (little man Hendrix) is due at the end of March and this winter pregnancy has not been so friendly. I find myself living in leggings, and wearing many layers with the under layers unbuttoned because of my protruding belly.
4. ZITS- Aren’t I supposed to be glowing?! If you get bored feel free to play connect the dots on my face. I have never once had a pimple on my back, until now. There is no glowing here, enough said.
5. THE $300 GROCERY BILL is a bi-weekly occurrence. At first I thought it was a one or two time thing. I made excuses, but I have found I cannot step into a grocery store without filling a cart, or two.
6. MOODY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT- Sometimes I can’t even stand to be around me. One second I’m happy, and the next minute I’m crying because of a toilet paper commercial. I need some stability in my moods before I force everyone around me into a mad house.
7. STUPID QUESTIONS- “When are you due?”, “You’re so big, How much longer?”, “How much will daycare cost?”, “Are your breastfeeding?”, “Why are you breastfeeding?”, and the list goes on… forever. People are so nosey.
8. OPERATION PREPERATION- I am a list person, I put things on my to do list even after I’ve done them just so I can cross them off of the list. It’s not until the item is crossed off of the list that it feels completed. However, even I am tired of making list. I’ve made a list for the hospital for me, for him, for the baby, and a bag for our two year old for when the big moment finally does happen. I’ve registered… which is one big list of things we need. I’ve made a list of things to do at work to prepare for maternity leave. You get the idea.
9. I’M NOT ONE FOR SURPRISES- No matter how much I prepare, and how organized I am none of this is in my control. Baby number two will come when baby number two wants to join this crazy world, and I have no say about the matter. I’m sensing a middle of the night arrival (possible in the middle of a snow storm), which would really interrupt the call list I’ve created to let everyone know the moment has arrived!
10. PREGNANCY NAZIS- It starts the first day your pregnancy is announced. Everyone is pushing their opinions and parenting advice down your throat. I thought this would fade with the second pregnancy because of the whole idea that I’ve already been through this before, and I am no longer a rookie. However, it does not fade, not even the slightest. Everyone is still very eager to share their ideas, and to do so without any filters. “Don’t drink coffee” they say, “Never color your hair” they comment, and again the list goes on. The pregnancy Nazis are everywhere and they are relentless.
I feel better now. However, I am still wondering how I am going to make it through ten more weeks of this awkward sharing my body with a little human escapade. I want to hold my little human, and have my body back to myself again.