At this moment I feel like superwoman. I’m sitting by my fireplace with a glass of wine looking at a wood ring I filled. I just washed the dishes from the meal I cooked, using the money I made. I have two beautiful and healthy children, and a place to call my own. “Everything will be okay”, I say to myself over and over to keep my mind from straying.
However, this morning I was full of bitter and hate. I was still determined to do this alone, but so angry. I wrestled an every day morning with my three year old, and ten month old, but today it felt almost impossible. I had patience with my daughter as she put on the 7th purple shirt in 2 minutes, and switched her shoes three times. I laughed when my son had a blowout as I put him in the car seat. Inside I was screaming.
The last time I was alone I was 22 with a five month old daughter. Together, we had a tiny house in the woods. I was a young, and a new mother with lots of insecurities. I handled my own, but wanted a family for my daughter. And then he walked into our lives. For the past three years I’ve had a family.
Now 26, and with two kids instead of one, I’m alone again. But I am not at all the same woman I was at 22. I know I’m a badass mother; who leads by example. I know when my daughter is going through heartbreak she will remember a mother who never settled for less than she deserved. I know the pain comes in waves: Big fucking waves that seem like they are going to surely drown me, and then I get a breath of fresh air. I know I will love again. My days may be filled with boogers and diapers now, but my kids will grow. It will get easier. Every damn day will and does continue to get easier. Each day regret grows in his heart, and acceptance grows in mine.
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and this relationship was in my life to help me grow as an individual. He was placed into my life to give me my true one love, Hendrix Jacob. Every good quality I saw in him, I have in my son. Although my heart is heavy, I know the end of this relationship is a blessing. Here’s what I’ve learned since I was 22…
1. I know what I bring to the table, and I’m not afraid to eat alone. I have a college degree, a home, good job and I’m fucking hilarious. Anyone who is intimidated or scared away by my two children doesn’t deserve me anyways.
2. Never date a man who doesn’t do his own laundry. I’m a queen, not a maid. I have two kids, that’s enough.
3. Only purchase what I can afford alone. This goes for vehicles, apartments, houses, cellphone bills, etc. When shit gets tough, people get shady. Depend on only yourself.
4. I’m going to buy my own damn house.
5. Never say never, and always expect the unexpected. It’s the ones we love the most who hurt us the most.
6. Men cannot resist temptation. It’s not their fault all the blood leaves their head (and apparently their heart) to go straight to their penis.
7. Time heals all wounds. It may not happen as fast as I would like, but eventually I’ll find peace.
8. When I want to cry, I should dance instead. When the tears start to fall I crank up the Alanis Morissette, and remind myself I’m a rock star.
9. I’m surrounded by some great souls. I have people who love me all around me, and it is okay to ask for help on the days that I do not want to be superwoman.
10. Shoveling, putting wood away, and taking out the garbage really isn’t that hard. I don’t know why he was constantly bitching?
11. My heart will break again, but I choose to love again anyways. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. I loved him with all my heart, and that is nothing to apologize for.
Lastly, I learned I have realized I am in control of my own happiness. I have two little eyes on me. I owe it to them, and to myself to put myself first (after them of course). I do not need to justify myself to anyone, or look for their acceptance on how I mother my children, and what I do with my spare time. It’s time to be my own best friend.