I know, I talked a lot of shit. I stand behind every word. I chose to share my heartbreak with the internet in hopes that at least one woman would gain strength from my words. I want other women in my shoes to know that it’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to put yourself first, and most importantly it’s okay if the world doesn’t agree.
There is no such thing as a perfect family. He made a mistake, and he will have to live with that. I’m certainly happy it isn’t me with that on my conscious, but I’m no angel either. Our love has been a roller coaster since day one, and at times the chaos is what makes it amazing. As two fulltime working parents we struggle balancing parenting and our relationship, and I’m sure we aren’t alone. At the end of the day it is me who has to live with my choices. My neighbor, best friend, mother and co-workers all have their opinion on what they would do in my situation, but it’s me who has to live it. Truthfully, I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know if I can forgive, but I am going to try, and here is why:
1. Saylor Jade and Hendrix Jacob. A lot of my happiness has to do with my children. I come from a divorced family, and I’m just fine. I do not believe my parent’s divorce hindered me at all. Had my parents stayed together, I would not have my little sister and I cannot imagine my life without her. I know it’s foolish to believe Jake and I will survive if the only reason we are together is because of the kids, which is why the list does not stop here.
2. We are more than his mistake. Whatever way you spin it, it sucks. Her name and face will be in the back of my mind for a long time, maybe forever, but there are other memories that stand out more. For example; the look on Jake’s face as he helped deliver our son into this world. I can still smell the crisp air at the bottom of Sugarloaf mountain the first time he told me he loved me. I feel his beard on the back of my neck even in my dreams when he is nowhere near me. I see his wrinkled face sitting next to me sipping coffee when we are eighty.
3. He brings something to the table. In the past five months Jake has done some soul searching. Him having the children alone every other weekend certainly opened his eyes to all I was doing alone, even when we were together. He realized he has a woman who not only pulls her weight financially, but is one hell of a cook and mother (not to toot my own horn or anything). He has realized this isn’t 1950 and men do dishes. I have also realized a couple of things as well. I’ve learned that nobody is going to die if the dishes aren’t done. I’ve come to terms that men just don’t see a full trash can, and I will forever have to tell him to take it out, but that’s okay. Jake is an easy going man, and I fell in love with that characteristic. I have learned to appreciate it, even when I want to strangle him. I truly believe this crazy life is about balance, and he is my balance.
4. Jake is my best friend. After the rage faded I missed our friendship. He knows what I’m going to say before the words leave my mouth. He can read my moods better than I can, and he knows me inside and out. In a silent room we can have a conversation with head nod and coded glances. This of course makes it easier for him to push my buttons, but isn’t that part of it all?
Nobody else has to understand or agree with my reasoning to give Jake another shot. Will we make it? Who knows. Can I forgive? No idea. We have our good days and our bad days, and every day we continue to grow. Some days I want to smack him, and others I cannot keep my hands off of him. I do know is my heart explodes when I see the way he looks at our babies. I know his hairy chest peaking through the v-neck on his black t-shirt turns me on, and his corny jokes make me laugh. I know that even if our jounrey doesn’t last forever, that it isn’t over. I am hopeful that we can overcome this, and continue on this rollar coaster together.